I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
