He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
