Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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