how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
