today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
