Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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