so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
