you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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