I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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