It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
