Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
my poor anus
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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