there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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