In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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