When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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