How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
