I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
