Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
