I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
this beer tastes like vomit already
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
