I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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