I'm going to jail i love you
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
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