Where did you get a picture of my penis
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I supernannyed him into submission
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
