He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
