I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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