I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
