coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
