You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
