I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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