He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
