how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
