Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
