i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
