ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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