You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
