so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She told me I should be a condom model.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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