The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize