you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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