I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
