I can't breathe out the right side of my face
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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