I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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