...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
