i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
