Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
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