I can tuck mytits in my pants
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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