a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
