apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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