tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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