Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
