maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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