How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
