A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
