someone threw a dead crab at me
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
