We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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