Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he shaved USA in his pubs
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Mom said you looked used
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
